Spider mind

For the past few months, I had been struggling to remove cob-webs in my mind. My mind did the weaving actually, day after day, night after night. Part of me wanted to clear these messy webs and get over it once and for all but, another part of me was clearly reluctant, enjoying the delicate thrill of balancing on the web. Overall, I recognised that it did me no good and condemned myself. I hated battlefield of the mind and I was losing it. I had tried several times to clear the web but the backlash grasped me a lot stronger than before and I just did not know how to win. The only hope I had was to pray. So I knelt down and prayed in earnest. I had decided to fight against the thoughts again because I felt convicted by the spoken and written Word of God. You see, people may say it's okay to think about certain things as long as you don't act on it. But we are most likely to act out of our thought reserve. Sin is acting on the thought that goes against the will of God. So we need to be careful of what we think. It may not always be our fault if a bird poop falls on us but definitely our stupidity if we allow it to sit on us!

Anyway, while I cried out to God, a thought came to mind to share my problem with this godly woman who I could be accountable to. So I plucked the courage to pour my heart and we talked. That day, I felt I should fast as well and I did. What occurred next was that I had the most amazing day of my life! It was so good that I continued my fast the next day and heard clearly from God. I came to perceive my problem for what it was and traced the root of it. I started to understand myself a lot better and my struggle came because of that tiny void which had been neglected because I had failed to sustain myself with the promise that God gave me. The moment I recognised my problem, I let go of it and took hold of Jesus! I began to have the ability to understand Jesus that night. I could understand his humanity, his struggle and how he conquered it. At that point, I simply started to devour the Word, seeking to relate with him.

The moment I took hold of Jesus was just so divine. I didn't know one could fall in love all over again! I am totally overwhelmed. I have become a lot stronger now. I have also been bombarding my mind with a song that I particularly like. I must have played Matt Maher's, 'Lord, I need you' a hundred times over. But it strengthens me. Moreover, I learnt the secret to sustain my freedom and joy. Its simply to have a willing spirit as written in Psalm 51. A spirit that says, 'yes' to godliness.

Thoughts do come every now and then. But I learn to resist and not entertain. My emotion does not go bonkers anymore when I face what I have to. Having a person to be accountable helps too. Knowing the root cause helps me focus on the promise God gave me. No more void. It is something I need to remind myself time and again until it comes to pass. It won't take long now. So I need to be patient and still. I'm so glad I was weak. God's grace would not have manifested had I not acknowledged my weakness. Nor would my relationship with Jesus be strengthened.

My mind aint a spider anymore.